Tuco

So school is keeping me busy, as expected. Maybe once I start putting together something of a portfolio I'll submit some of the pieces here.

I watched Glee tonight. Now I'm not a regular viewer, I've only seen a few episodes, but this one really struck home. Why is it that the only two I felt really had any meaning for me were both stories that centered largely around Kurt's story? I guess because I'm dealing with some similar emotions and goings on.
A couple of weeks ago my dad approached me. He didn't come right out and say 'what's going on? what's the problem', no, instead he cornered me going "do you have something to tell me". This wasn't any sort of situation where I'd be comfortable talking with him, not while he was acting hostile. And yes, it felt hostile. Demanding an explanation and then telling me to "mature fast" and suggesting you'd kick me out is of course a loving and comfortable environment to have a good long chat.

Anyway, so Kurt pretty much summed up my own idea of religion. I have a hard time accepting something that logically doesn't make sense, but what I have even more of a problem with is the hypocrisy and pure hate I see from people who call themselves religious. Heck, just on Katie Couric tonight there was a bit of news on this radical group of Christians going to military funerals and gay bashing. I don't see how the military = promoting gay rights (erm...gays still aren't even allowed to be open and in the military), but that's beside the point. It just showed how much misunderstanding, cruel and misguided hate comes from a group of people who are supposed to be the most loving in the world. You don't even have to agree with homosexuality, but to act that way? Where does the Bible support that? What struck me most about the episode, aside from the religious tones, was the relationship between Kurt and his dad. The other episode that hit me was the one where his dad defended Kurt against gay bashing. That was one of the most pride filled moments I've ever seen on television pertaining to this subject and I thought to myself...why can't my dad be like that? So if you've seen the episode you know that the father ends up in very bad condition in the hospital and the theme of loss comes in to play. All I could think was what if I lost my family, what would happen if I didn't get to tell them just how much I care? I don't open much, in fact, I really don't know how and am uncomfortable when I try to because it makes me for one reason or another feel weak, less masculine somehow. I know that isn't true, that every person should be able to tell their family how much they love each other, but for some reason I still have a problem coming forward with it. I deal with this sense of loss every day of my life. When is my family going to find out? When are they going to abandon me? Like hell are they going to support this? It's contrary to how they were brought up. I don't blame them...but it still hurts.   

And dad, if you're reading this, I'm asking you to talk to me directly. Mom told me you were upset about how I had said some things about who I am and religion on the internet and I pretty much knew you had come on here and read what I had to say. I won't take back anything I've said, I just feel sad you won't come to me. But I understand why. It's the same reason why I haven't come to you. I'm scared...I am so scared of what you'll say and how things will change. I don't know how you or the rest of the family will view me. I have so many more concerns but I don't know how to express them. Men aren't supposed to be all emotional and so far I'm failing at that. Or maybe I'm not. I'm not opening up enough about certain things. I should be able to be comfortable enough to talk things through with you, but I can't. I just don't feel that way. That's my fault and that's your fault.

I just want to be normal. I just want to make you proud and I can't. I'm ashamed of myself. And being this way won't make you proud so I feel like I've failed. This isn't going to change. These thoughts won't go away and all I want now is to start getting to a place where I can be happy with myself, where I can be as normal as I'm ever going to be. But I don't know if you want to be a part of that. I hear so many stories of other people just like myself who have their family's support. Do I get that privilege? So far I've figured I wouldn't, that's why I've kept things hidden, that's why I hide away.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now.
Nothing happy to update about. Sorry guys! D:

So I was watching a show I just happened upon earlier about the gay community and one little special they had was about queer FTMs. I was naturally proud and elated I could connect with what was being said. I'm smart enough to know there are thousands of people out there just like me, but there's just something about hearing them talk about their experience that really brings it home to me that I'm not alone. AND...now I feel ashamed I've gotten nothing done and am still pretending to be someone I'm not. Man, I need to move out. I don't feel like I can get anything started until at least that is accomplished.


Anyway, so I did this little thing with a friend and as obligations go, I am required to do the same.
Keep in mind I have a terrible memory. If you post I'll likely not remember at all certain things about you. Not because you're not memorable...I just, yeah...


*copies and pastes*
If you leave a comment, I will-

1. Respond with something random about you, bitch.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you, or something.
4. Tell you what animal you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and by always I mean in the last few seconds.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Tell you my least favorite thing about you... prepare to cry.
8. Challenge you to post this on your journal.
9. mull over touching you inappropriately.

So...I was tagged by

Rules~
1. Post 9 facts about your character.
2. Tag 8 other characters  (Nah, sorry, not happenin')
3. Post their names with the creators avatars.
4. No tag backs

Daeril:
1. He's an angel, yo, but he abandoned his post in favor of a runt called Gildae.
2. He was then infected by said angel, unsure quite how though, and is slowly dying. We'll see how that goes.
3. While he abandoned his heavenly calling, he has a loyalty complex. Once he's stuck to you he's stuck to you.   
4. He's not sure what he feels for Gildae, unable to connect this feeling with anything familiar, but I guess it's best described as a paternal affection.
5. He was the first character I created with a Journey obsession >.> That's right Gildae, expect to hear him singing terribly in the shower "ONE LOVE FEEDS THE FIRE! ONE HEART BURNS DISIRE!"
6. Daeril doesn't care much for most people...just tolerates.
7. Bowtie pasta is his favorite pasta. You call it by that name in front of him and he'll chuck a spatula at you. "It's farfalle!"
8. But he's a terrible cook...he's pretty much bad at everything aside from flinging swords at your head.
9. He'd rather not name his weapon...he doesn't feel the need to grow an attachment toward an inanimate object.

Dinhith:
1. He's an avariel elf.
2. He doesn't like demons...at all. He'll likely try to kill any he sees on spot.
3. Ashiya is the only exception, and it took a good while for him to get used to the incubus.
4. No, he can't play the fiddle and wishes Ashiya would stop asking.
5. But he'll rock your soul with his Josh Groban-ish voice.
6. He doesn't much care for children but tolerates them when Ashiya brings them around.
7. That's one thing he secretly adores about the demon...the fact that he is innocent.
8. Flight is one of his greatest passions. He has to take to the skies at least once a day otherwise he feels unfulfilled and grumpy the rest of the evening.
9. He hates himself for not being able to protect Ashiya and...letting him die. He took his broken pair of glasses and never takes them off.  

Landon Dismas:
1. He's a whore and doesn't care.
2. Actually he does. I could go into a whole lot of psychology crap and explain that he sleeps around because he's really searching for some sort of fulfillment, but I think I'll avoid that for now. In all honesty, he started being a slut after the notion was slammed into his brain by classmates at his school. "Well, if they want a slut, I'll give them a slut" kind of thing.
3. He adores the 80s...pretty much all he listens to. He particularly likes Queen.
4. His current obsession is Glee.
5. Yes...he does know the dance moves to Madonna's Vogue.
6. Unfortunately, after years of practicing unsafe sex, he will contract AIDS. );
7. He's always wanted to be an interior decorator, but right now he's working landscape and lawn care...which he hates.
8. He has a thing for a friend of his...a guy a whole foot taller than him and is schizophrenic. And I really mean schizophrenic...a real test for Landon.
9. Landon likes to dunk his food in water. Any food.

Afzal "Diamond" Silven:
1. *clears throat* "I've taken the liberty of writing this little autobiography myself. As much as I appreciate my creator speaking for me, I find it far more, ah, humble of me to get my character across by dealing with the public in person."
2. "I like to...commandeer things. It's not like who I steal from need it anyway. I mean, come on, look at that ridiculous house...it's more like palace, with their fancy drapery, their fancy wine, that goofy looking rat of a dog, those dishes! I mean come on, what will a little bit of gold missing from their pockets really do?"
3. "I'm traveling with a man named Requiem. I'd say he fits the name. He follows his God's laws impeccably and repents when he does something wrong."
4. "Funny thing is, me and him have a little deal going on. It's like he's Robin Hood and I'm Little John. Or maybe I'm Robin Hood and he's Little John. Screw it. That was a terrible analogy. Anyway. I steal, and he gives the cash to the poor. End of story."
5. "Alright, that's not the end of the story. I like to keep some of it for myself sometimes. He doesn't like that."
6. "Not that I can't handle him on my own. I have my ways...Ummm...you have a nice ass, Requiem. You come after me with a sword again and maybe I'll tell someone, and that person will tell someone, and then that person might just let it slip to that God of yours what we did last night. But I have a feeling by how loud you got that your God already knows."
7."I have a hand print with a butterfly tattooed directly onto my hand...wanna see?"
8."I don't like rats. Don't ask me why."
9. "Requiem, if you read this, please understand that my intentions, while sometimes uncouth, are for the best. I just can't help myself :3. Forgive me."

Saw this on 's journal and thought I'd give it a try. XD And here I thought I'd leave my political –and otherwise- opinions away from DA. I'm such a hypocrite

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
Yep

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?
I wouldn't do it even if it was legal. Honest to god, I've never been interested in doing drugs. Heck, I've been old enough to smoke for a few years now and have never touched a real cigarette and don't care to. I just don't have any desire for it.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
*sigh* I won't say I'm for or against abortion. The act itself isn't something pleasant and something I'm not sure I have a firm opinion on. I will say I generally support the woman having a choice with what to do with her own body, but even then I think women use this as an excuse to get out of a situation. In certain cases, yes, I would select abortion. In others, while I'm for the woman having the choice, I feel it would be deplorable for her to get an abortion. I don't feel it should be dictated by law, or that the law should say when it is okay or not to have an abortion, but there are certain times where it truly is inappropriate and downright cruel to end a life for whatever selfish reasons the woman might have.

[04] Do you think a country would fail with a female president?
Are you kidding me? Hell no. What does gender have to do with the ability to lead a people, especially not in a country where we elect representatives for our opinions, and vote for things that we want. I personally don't think the president has all that much power to begin with. And what would their gender have to do with anything? Historically, there have been many female leaders, many who could perhaps rule better than most male leaders we've had in the past. Gender has nothing to do with it.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
No. Absolutely not. I think it is hypocritical to say people shouldn't kill each other and then turn around and kill someone for the very crime the committed. What's the difference? Sure they deserve to be punished, but death? Hell no. The death penalty is nothing but a revenge trip. Forgiveness is the best Justice.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
I don't honestly care. I'm not going to be using it. I wouldn't mind either way. There is a part of me that thinks it should be legalized…let people make their own decisions on whether or not to use it.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
I don't care either way. I certainly don't think it's wrong to have sex before marriage. Heck, some people even aren't allowed to marry who they love so why should it matter when they have sex together? I don't see what is so special about virginity. It's not a commodity to me (although, historically, a TON of cultures have used it as such, which I find deplorable). And hell, I'm a virgin. It's not like I've slept around and am saying it doesn't matter just to make myself feel better.

[08] Do you believe in God?
No. Well, this is actually a complicated thing for me to grasp. I grew up Christian, kinda started becoming more spiritual in my teens, still believing in God and that he had a plan for everything and so on. And as I grew…I saw the world.  I watch the news, I have taken history classes, anthropology, I have seen what cruelty humans are capable of and I know that if God made me, then he either made me imperfect, or he is playing one sick game. After all I've read and seen, after all my common and logical sense comes into play, after I questioned God, plead to God to help me understand my transsexuality, asked him why I was made this way, I couldn't I be born "right", after I've seen so many other people far worse off than I, wars, terrible diseases, suicides,  I've lost faith in the Bible and my confidence in there being  a God. I'm going to separate the Bible from this topic right here and now. I think it is imperfect…many Christians like to hide behind it, use it as a shield to justify their hate or how they've set up their little worlds and communities, but I feel it wasn't written by a God. It was human made for human use and for human justification and law. This question asked about God, so I will tell you my opinion of God. Do I believe? Part of me says yes, a part of me says no. I think I've settled on this: No one can prove that there is a God, and no one can prove that there isn't a God. I do not know if God exits. I feel that if he is the God of Abraham, that to me, while the Christian Bible shows much love in this God, I feel he is also cruel. Very cruel. The world is in, and has always been, in pain. Suffering. Survival of the fittest and if God made all this, then while there is much to love, much goodness still left in the world, I think there is also much cruelty and if God is responsible for this, I cannot bow and give my allegiance. Not to someone I disagree with, not so someone whose morality does not make sense to me. Pfft Now I feel bad. Depeche Mode's song Blasphemous Rumors just popped into my head. Can't help but agree with it in some regard. If there is a Hell, I'm headed there XD

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes. Hell yes. I can't understand why so many people are against this. I try to wrap my head around their reasoning, but all I here is selfish justification for their discomfort. Marriage isn't about glorifying God...well, maybe if you're Christian or some other religion, but not for me. And historically, marriage is a concept cross culturally that predates Judaism and the other Abraham religions. Plus, there have been cultures that allowed same sex marriage. So why must marriage be only for Christians? Atheists marry, should they not be allowed to marry now because they're not doing so to glorify God? I could go on and on about this topic. I really could. Like how I think it's ridiculous, this whole gender/sex concept; who defines "sex" anyway? So, if in the state of Texas I'm still legally (as in my driver's license still says "Female") a female, can I get married to a man when every other thing about me is male, my body, mind, and all? Here's the paradox; when you introduce transsexuality or genderqueer (and all other categories, no worries to all you people out there I failed to list out) people, how do you define marriage?

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
No. I think it would be hypocritical of me to say that it is wrong, not when America was born on people coming here without, ah, permission (I don't feel this is the right word, but for my lacking vocabulary I think it conveys enough of my opinion. Maybe). The spirit of America is that of a refuge...a place for those seeking a home and acceptance to come and be free. Who am I to turn them away? I think I would rather them be legalized just for their sake. It would make things easier for them, but I also understand how hard that actually is to do. But do I really care that Hispanics are coming over illegally? No. I wouldn't care if it were Hispanics, or Canadians, or anyone else. And heck, I live in Texas 8D

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
I think a mother is a mother no matter the age and morally, I wouldn't care if she kept the baby or not. I think logically that maybe it would be a better move for her and the baby if she gave it up for adoption. No matter how much maturity she has, I truly doubt she'd be able to take care of the kid herself. It would fall to her parents to take care of. I'm am very pro adoption. Maybe the baby would be better off in another home. Of course, this is all subjective. Maybe the baby wouldn't be better off. Who knows. I think this sort of question would be better answered case by case.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
I don't care. Maybe...I kinda agree with the notion that introducing alcohol earlier may make it lose its appeal at an older age and maybe we'd have less 20 somethings binge drinking. Europe seems to be doing alright, maybe if we set up something like they've got over there, whatever country we'd be modeling after, it would work for us. But then again, maybe not. Honestly, I truly don't have an opinion on this question.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
Er...I think war is wrong whatever the situation. Yes, I think it should be. But I also don't think it would be a good idea to just pull everyone out all at once.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
I think this depends on the situation. If someone is just depressed and is asking for a friend to help them end it, than no, no I think there can be many things that go wrong with that. But when someone is in pain, agonizing, and are already dying slowly, then if they want assistance, maybe they should be helped. I watched a program of KERA a couple of weeks ago that talked about just this situation. A guy had a terrible disease; he was losing the power to move his body, any part of his body, and would eventually be trapped in a body without movement. None. He was in agonizing, heart wrenching pain and would slowly die knowing he couldn't do anything about it and that his family would have to sit and watch. He was already losing most of his movement and before he lost the ability to talk and communicate he opted to go through assisted suicide. It was one of the saddest things I have ever watched. But to tell the truth, if he had to die, then the way he went was perhaps the best, and more importantly, the way he chose. If I was in his position, I would choose the same.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
No. It's been proven that positive reinforcement works a lot better than negative. Besides, when my parents spanked me as a kid, all it did was make me resent them, not listen to what they said.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Yes. I know that sounds awful but here's my reasoning. I may have been born American, but I don't define myself by this concept of country and state. America, though a great country, my home, and a place I love, still has a lot of flaws, a lot of things that are not offered here, that still make living here difficult for me, and I've been seriously thinking of high tailing it out to seek refuge in another country that does offer me assistance (the UK here I come!). Example, America has no system set up to protect transsexual people like me in the work force. I could be fired at any moment just because my boss is uncomfortable with me. Also, as far as I know, there is nothing set up for insurance here. In fact, I know that at least here in north Texas, insurance won't help with my transition. I'm screwed. There's no way I can afford this living here. Not with living expenses, not with college, and not with my low paying job...I can't stay here in America to get everything I want and need done. Discrimination is something I will face every day here. Sure, other places in the world will be similar, some a lot worse than others, but America, while being at least to some extent open minded, still doesn't offer what many other European countries will. With that million dollars I just got for burning the flag, I could pay for everything. The surgeries, the hormones, doctor visits and a therapist. These are things my insurance will not help me with, something I will drown in dept for the rest of my life with if I even try to fulfill all of this here in America. I think my insurance should help me. Hell, I'm a tax payer, and hell, I'm paying my insurance company, and what for? To get nothing in return, nothing serious anyway -sure they pay for dentist visits and all that, but come on-.  People assign the meaning to the cloth. It could mean nothing to someone, or everything. I chose to look at it as, while we should respect it, all in all, I'm truly doing no harm to America itself and would only be destroying a bit of fabric.

[17] Who do you think would (have) make/made a better president? McCain or Obama?
Obama. I don't have all that much against McCain...I just really, REALLY dislike Palin.

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Not afraid, but yes, I imagine people will judge me from my answers.

Now I disappear to get some sleep...gotta work a double shift tomorrow

So apparently today is the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. Here be a link: www.dayagainsthomophobia.org/s…

Had to tell everyone, how could I not? Please get the message out; I probably don't need to tell you why homophobia and transphobia is outdated and detrimental to today's society.

Of course this is a big deal for me being both transgender and gay, but I think this applies to all people; gay, straight, pansexual, cisgender, transgender, genderqueer, or any of the many other categories I didn't mention here.

Have a nice day!