So school is keeping me busy, as expected. Maybe once I start putting together something of a portfolio I'll submit some of the pieces here.
I watched Glee tonight. Now I'm not a regular viewer, I've only seen a few episodes, but this one really struck home. Why is it that the only two I felt really had any meaning for me were both stories that centered largely around Kurt's story? I guess because I'm dealing with some similar emotions and goings on.
A couple of weeks ago my dad approached me. He didn't come right out and say 'what's going on? what's the problem', no, instead he cornered me going "do you have something to tell me". This wasn't any sort of situation where I'd be comfortable talking with him, not while he was acting hostile. And yes, it felt hostile. Demanding an explanation and then telling me to "mature fast" and suggesting you'd kick me out is of course a loving and comfortable environment to have a good long chat.
Anyway, so Kurt pretty much summed up my own idea of religion. I have a hard time accepting something that logically doesn't make sense, but what I have even more of a problem with is the hypocrisy and pure hate I see from people who call themselves religious. Heck, just on Katie Couric tonight there was a bit of news on this radical group of Christians going to military funerals and gay bashing. I don't see how the military = promoting gay rights (erm...gays still aren't even allowed to be open and in the military), but that's beside the point. It just showed how much misunderstanding, cruel and misguided hate comes from a group of people who are supposed to be the most loving in the world. You don't even have to agree with homosexuality, but to act that way? Where does the Bible support that? What struck me most about the episode, aside from the religious tones, was the relationship between Kurt and his dad. The other episode that hit me was the one where his dad defended Kurt against gay bashing. That was one of the most pride filled moments I've ever seen on television pertaining to this subject and I thought to myself...why can't my dad be like that? So if you've seen the episode you know that the father ends up in very bad condition in the hospital and the theme of loss comes in to play. All I could think was what if I lost my family, what would happen if I didn't get to tell them just how much I care? I don't open much, in fact, I really don't know how and am uncomfortable when I try to because it makes me for one reason or another feel weak, less masculine somehow. I know that isn't true, that every person should be able to tell their family how much they love each other, but for some reason I still have a problem coming forward with it. I deal with this sense of loss every day of my life. When is my family going to find out? When are they going to abandon me? Like hell are they going to support this? It's contrary to how they were brought up. I don't blame them...but it still hurts.
And dad, if you're reading this, I'm asking you to talk to me directly. Mom told me you were upset about how I had said some things about who I am and religion on the internet and I pretty much knew you had come on here and read what I had to say. I won't take back anything I've said, I just feel sad you won't come to me. But I understand why. It's the same reason why I haven't come to you. I'm scared...I am so scared of what you'll say and how things will change. I don't know how you or the rest of the family will view me. I have so many more concerns but I don't know how to express them. Men aren't supposed to be all emotional and so far I'm failing at that. Or maybe I'm not. I'm not opening up enough about certain things. I should be able to be comfortable enough to talk things through with you, but I can't. I just don't feel that way. That's my fault and that's your fault.
I just want to be normal. I just want to make you proud and I can't. I'm ashamed of myself. And being this way won't make you proud so I feel like I've failed. This isn't going to change. These thoughts won't go away and all I want now is to start getting to a place where I can be happy with myself, where I can be as normal as I'm ever going to be. But I don't know if you want to be a part of that. I hear so many stories of other people just like myself who have their family's support. Do I get that privilege? So far I've figured I wouldn't, that's why I've kept things hidden, that's why I hide away.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling now.
Nothing happy to update about. Sorry guys! D: